You give me nasopharyngitis

Dear Pfizer,

You know those ads you run for Advil Cold and Sinus? The ones where the person has a cold or even the flu yet somehow manages to go rowing or swimming and then hit the office to give a super presentation? All because they took some Advil Cold and Sinus?

I know that advertising is bullshit, even in Canada where the rules about making claims you can't support are tougher than they are in the States. But really, if a person can do all the stuff you imply they can do, they weren't sick in the first place. I have a lot of experience with Advil Cold and Sinus. It's my go-to medication when I get a cold. But it does not allow me to go to Zumba class. It does not make me look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed before I give a stunning Powerpoint.

I know you don't want to show what Advil Cold and Sinus really allows you to do, which is crawl through your day feeling slightly better than if you didn't take any medication at all. And really, if you take the non-drowsy variety, which of course you need to do if you're going to flip through your Powerpoint slides in order and talk at the same time, they only contain analgesic and decongestant. They don't have any antihistamine, because that's what knocks you out. Ergo, while you're out rowing or being all impressive before bigwigs in suits, your nose is running like a faucet. Either that or you took the drowsy variety and you're curled up under your desk taking a much needed snooze.

I remain a fan, but only of the pills, not of the stupid ads. Let's get real.



"That's when the hornet stung me / And I had a feverish dream"
("Ahead by a Century," The Tragically Hip)

Colds suck. They're so...prosaic. No one is ever going to write a song about a cold. "You give me fever," sure, but not "you give me a cold." When I was a DJ at university, I recall doing a brilliant show while I had a pretty serious fever (I didn't give up my shift for anything). Fevers and getting high seem to have similarities. They can put you into a kind of altered state. You have weird dreams. You might even hallucinate. You can tap your creative reserve.

Not so with a cold. You just suffer through it. No romance in a cold. It won't kill you. It's not inspiring. It's just yucky. You drag yourself through it until it's a memory and hope you don't get another too soon. Everyone wants to stay away from you while you have it, and with good reason. They don't want your friggin cold! So you feel like crap, and you're alone. Or a pariah in company if you're foolish enough to believe the Advil ads and pretend you don't have a cold. Everyone else knows better.

If I say I have acute coryza, that sounds cooler, yes? But I still feel like poo.

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