Whither V-dizzle?

Just as I predicted, getting dressed and made up, moving gear (yes, in that order—we have not yet played in a club big enough to have a green room), and finally hitting the stage took me out of a meh day into what was probably Lisa's Hotcakes' best show, or at least our most fun one to date. Playing guitar and singing are what I do. I thrive on making music, especially on stage.

We might have a show on New Year's Eve eve [sic] in Portland. Still working that out. We know we will have one in mid-January. But December is going to be quiet. Our singer will be performing in a musical revue (which Sweetie and I will attend), and December is just busy for everyone. Some kind of gift-giving holiday.

I will be finishing up my Merchandising Fashion course in the first week of December. I have not signed up for a course next term. If I were intent on finishing the program as soon as possible, taking time off would be foolish. But there does not seem to be a layoff from my day job coming my way. And there's that other thing.

The band. And not just the band, but music.

All my life, I have said that I could not make a living in the music business. And I have listened to others tell me not to go that way. I have listened to people who would say, lots of people do music for fun and keep their jobs. And truly, there is nothing wrong with that.

Unless it's wrong for you.

Until recently, it was easy to listen to such assurances. My earlier bands were OK, sometimes pretty good, but nothing that special. They had at least a few of their 15 minutes of fame and that was it. I occasionally wrote good songs. But I did not have the confidence to think that I could be one of the few to make music work for me. Now I have a lot more confidence. I have learned a lot over the years, and especially recently. I work both harder and smarter at writing songs. I am exploring avenues other than only the band that I love. And that band is far beyond our earlier efforts. Maybe our maturity actually works in our favour.

I am finally starting to overcome that toughest barrier of all: the worry that I am just deluding myself. There are people everywhere who delude themselves into thinking they're artists. Sometimes they work hard, sometimes they don't. There are, of course, actual artists. And then there are the ones who wish they had talent but really don't, and they're kind of pathetic. For a long time, I thought that was me, and I definitely never want to be pathetic. And I thought I had come to terms with it. But I never did. And maybe, just maybe, I was wrong all along.

It has taken me a long time to reach this point. And I don't feel confident about it every day. I have plenty of doubts. I have not and shall not quit my day job, the one that pays for things like studio time and musical instruments. Not yet anyway. But I have some focus now. I have to move fashion aside for the nonce. I have some songs to write. I have some learnin' to do, and not in school. And I have a band to get behind.

I hesitate to say "this is it." I'm afraid that over the course of my life, I have started many things that I did not finish. I don't have a good attention span. I have never been good at stick-to-itiveness. I lack discipline. But unlike other things, music has been with me all of my life. So maybe the reason I have started and dropped so many other things is that they just weren't right for me. And that music, which grabbed me early and has never let me go, is finally going to get its due.

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