2020/05/03

What you leave behind

"All the time in the world turns out not to be that much." (Exene Cervenka, "All the Time in the World")

"All you are is what you leave behind." (Me, lyric fragment scribbled on a notepad)

For a species to survive, there needs to be a sufficient level of reproduction. Life, for species that reproduce sexually anyway, is about getting enough food to reach reproductive age and then to mate with a partner and procreate the next generation.

There will be no next generation of me crossed with a mate. I mated, but produced no offspring. So in evolutionary terms, I'm a failure. The closest thing to my DNA continuing in the world is via my siblings. My personal DNA will go when I go.

One reason I have no children is that I spent my reproductive years doing immature things like playing in rock bands. Or maybe the flip side is true—that one reason I have made music all my life is because I was not planning to reproduce and never did. With no genes to pass on, I have to pass on memes, in the original Dawkinsian sense—units of culture (of a sort).

I'm not famous. No one will write a biography of me. I haven't held any positions of political or economic power. I have never been a person of influence. The only thing I am leaving behind is my art. For whatever reason or reasons, I have a passion to create music, and music is meant to be shared.

I don't have a bucket list of personal things to do. Anything I do strictly for myself will be of no consequence when I no longer exist.

So that's why I'm gathering releases old and new on Bandcamp. That's why I keep my Soundcloud going. There are bits of my musical DNA scattered across the interwebs as well as some old vinyl out there somewhere. I'm still figuring out how to make more of it available.

I continue to make new memes as well, slowly and sometimes painfully in my home "studio" and, gods willing, is a real studio again. Even if we were not currently distanced (due to COVID-19), I haven't had a band in years. I miss creating with others, but I keep at it because it's all I have to offer.

Well, not all. I hope that I have had a positive effect on some people in the world. I know that I've had a negative effect at times, which I regret and wish I could undo. But I hope that by the time I go, my life will have had a net positive effect, even if a small one.

I rely mostly on what I have created, good, bad, and ugly, for my legacy. And when it all disappears, as no doubt it will, there will be nothing left of me. But anyone who creates does what they can to beat the odds. I can't (and don't want to) live forever, but maybe I can make something that outlasts me.

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